Tuesday, 26 February 2013

This. Is. NOT. God.

Lately, I’ve felt and thought so many things that have damaged me, made me doubt myself, made me hate myself.

People make cruel or thoughtless comments, and instead of taking a step back and asking if it reflects them or me, a voice whispers “It’s you. It’s always you. It’s because you’re nothing. You deserve it.”

And this seems to happen so often that even though I don’t want to believe, I feel it slipping it. and it sounds so much like my own voice, surely it’s true? Each time I feel like I’ve taken a step forward something happens to bring me to my knees.

So it must be me. I am the common link here. It must be my fault. And if all of this is my fault, surely I don’t deserve anything. Even God’s grace. Even to know God at all.

But I have to keep telling myself, telling my soul- screaming at my soul- that THIS IS NOT GOD. He is not putting the words in my head that say “it’s impossible, nobody loves you, I can’t go on, I can’t do it, I’m not able, I’m unforgivable.” That’s the ENEMY talking, NOT my God.

MY god says that ALL things are possible (Luke 18:27), that HE loves me (John 3:16 & John 3:34), that HIS grace is sufficient (II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15), that I can do ALL things through Him (Philippians 4:13), that HE is able (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1), and that HE forgives me (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1).

It feels like the enemy has really done a number on me lately, and is upping his game. His voice sounds like mine, his words sound like mine. And the further he pushes, the more he tells me that I don’t deserve anything, the further he pushes for me to doubt the very faith that keeps me.

But I have BIG God. Who loves me. Who has forgiven me. Who gives me mercy and grace every single day even though I fail him every single day.

I have a God who died for me.

THAT is the truth. Not that other rubbish. So even when the words sink in, and whispers cut like knives I need to remember that my Heavenly Father loves me, and doesn’t wish for me to feel this way.

Father God, I thank you with all my heart and being that You call me your child and that You are who You are-yesterday, today and tomorrow. I cry out to you. I am in pain and need you so. Please let me feel your comforting hand upon me. Shield me from the enemy’s barbs and help me to forgive those that you have already forgiven-especially myself. And please, Lord, as my heart breaks right now, please hug my darling once for me, and tell her that Mama is going to be okay, because Mama has a awesome God. Amen.

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